Well, we may have dodged a hurricane, but there
is a storm brewing in the gospel reading we cannot avoid: the topic of
divorce. This can be a sensitive subject
in a church setting because for those, like me, who have been divorced, it
touches on powerful and (often) painful memories. All things considered, perhaps it would be
easier to deal with a hurricane than this text.
But let’s throw caution to the wind and set our faces into the stiff
gale of Jesus’ words to see what we can learn.
The first thing to notice is Jesus was not
teaching a group of students about the theology of marriage. Pharisees seek him
out because they want to test him.
They don’t want to learn, they want to trick and trap and so they pick
one of the thorniest issues they can find – divorce. It is not Jesus’ subject. It is theirs.
Notice next how they phrase their test: “Is it lawful
for a man to divorce his wife?” The
Pharisees are not interested in the spiritual nature of a marriage
relationship. They are not even
pondering its social value. They are
asking a legal question.
The first four verses of the 24th
chapter of Deuteronomy comprise the main Old Testament teaching on divorce, but
all they say is if a man divorces his wife for a “great scandal” and she
marries a second time and then is divorced again, the first husband cannot
remarry her because she has been “defiled”.
Over the centuries different schools of interpretation
emerged and by Jesus’ day the issue was deeply polarizing. One school followed the thinking of a rabbi
by the name of Shammai, who taught that a man should not divorce his wife,
except where he has found her committing a “great
scandal”. Another rabbi by the name of
Hillel had a different take on the same law.
He said a man may divorce his wife for doing something as scandalous as
burning his supper. A third rabbi –
Aqiba – was even more lenient, teaching a man may divorce his wife if she has
“lost favor in his eyes” or if he finds another woman who is “more
becoming.”
The Pharisees are not just testing Jesus for
his thoughts. They are testing to see
which group he supports around this divisive issue. His answer makes clear Jesus adheres to Rabbi
Shammai’s teaching, the most conservative of the three positions.
Notice something else about the Pharisees
question: “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” The ancient world was patriarchal and wives
were regarded to be the property of their husbands. Marriages in these times were based not on a
love between two people, but on property, status, and honor considerations
between two families. Marriage did not
provide a woman with a soul mate, but rather a place to live and a role to
play. For women, marriage was little
more than a social safety net.
So in this setting, given this understanding of
marriage, some Pharisees come to Jesus to test him. He asks them about Moses’ teaching. They note Moses allowed a man to write a
certificate of dismissal to his wife. We
have several examples of these documents.
Many are as simple as “This certificate dismisses you and you are free
to marry another man.” More typically,
after divorce, a woman either returned in shame to her father’s house or became
homeless.
Jesus states emphatically that Moses allows for
divorce because of our “hardness of heart.”
He is saying divorce is a part of the human condition, but not a part of
God’s design. God’s intention is for a
man to leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and that the two
become one flesh. This joining, he
holds, happens by an act of God and is not to be undone by humans.
Through his teaching Jesus opens several new
doors and possibilities. First, the idea
of two people becoming one flesh sounds like something way more significant and
much more mystical than a simple legal transaction. It gets at the heart of our humanity. There is incompleteness about us as we exist
unto our selves. We need to be in
relationship with God to be complete.
And we need to be in relationship with others to be complete. And we need to be in a unique, special,
life-long relationship with one other person to be complete.
This relationship is a union of two people in
heart, mind, and body. It is involves a
deep intimacy manifested emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, socially,
physically, and sexually. It is a
relationship that mirrors the love Jesus has for the Church. Just as his love enables the Church to
transform the world, the joining of two in one flesh creates a potency neither person
has as an individual. It is a
relationship not to be separated.
Does this mean the Church should never allow
for divorce? Does it mean that every
divorce is wrong? Is every divorce a
sin? Here are three typical
scenarios. None is fictional. Each describes at least one couple whose
marriage I officiated.
Two people come together for reasons that
mystify most who know them. Whatever
attracts them to each other and whatever they offer to each other and whatever
they commit to each other is not at all congruent with Jesus’ thinking of
marriage. Their relationship lacks depth
and breadth and maturity. One person is physically and emotionally abusive of
the other and therefore the marriage lacks the essential element of mutuality. Does God want two people to stay together in a
destructive relationship? Does God desire to separate what humans wrongly joined
together?
A second scenario involves two people who become
one flesh, but over time, through neglect and distraction the marriage
dies. There is no longer a flame. There is not even a spark to rekindle what
once was. The children are raised and
out of the house. Both parties are
gainfully employed and can survive without the other. Does God, who desires two people experience
fulfillment and completeness by coming together require them to stay together
when the only thing left between them is a legal document? What are we to do when a marriage expires long
before the two people who entered into it?
A final scenario involves two people who are in
a marriage that exhibits all of the characteristics it should, but one person
forsakes it. There is a breach of
fidelity. That person wants something
else, or maybe even want what he/she already has, but with someone else. What should the Church say to this
person? And what should the Church say
to the person left behind? What if both
parties forsake the marriage in lieu of something else?
Here is what I think. Every divorce is a part of the brokenness of
the human condition. Some are more egresses
than others, to be sure. To label
divorce as “wrong” or as a “sin” misses the point that there is life as a God
intends and then there is what actually happens (a reality not limited just to
marriage). Much of the brokenness that
happens in marriage can be healed. Some
of it cannot.
There is a tendency by some to look at today’s
gospel reading through the lens of reduction.
“Jesus says, ‘no one should get divorced.’” “Jesus says a marriage is between a man and
woman.” “Jesus says if you remarry you
commit adultery.” Yes, these words are
there and you can reduce down what Jesus says only to this. But as I read his answer to a very narrow
question about divorce rooted in polarizing interpretations of a single Old
Testament phrase I hear a very expansive response. Jesus is trying not to narrow down our
thinking to a right and wrong, black and white understanding. He is trying to open up our thinking to a much
broader subject that revolves around God’s intention for relationships.
It is hardly a secret that the bible does not
speak about marriage with one single, coherent voice. Paul, for example, says that marriage is
reserved only for the weak who cannot control the burning in their flesh. His thinking is hardly rooted in Jesus’
understanding of “from the beginning of creation God created them male and
female so that the two can become one flesh”.
Any person – including me – who tells you what the bible says about
marriage is only telling you how he/she interprets what the bible says about
marriage.
Here is what I see as I survey our
congregation. There are some couples who
have been married for a long, long time.
There are fruits that come from this kind of relationship that can be
grown no other way. There are some
couples who have come together in a second marriage (or even a third). For some, the first marriage ended with the
death of spouse. For most, it came only
after the end of a previous marriage. No
matter what the circumstances, you find in your new relationship exactly what
Jesus describes – one flesh, completeness.
And then there are some who are like me – single after a divorce, a
death, or the end of a relationship that never attained legal status. While we may not know the joy of
“completeness” with another, we find how relationships with family and friends
and with God make our lives rich and rewarding.
Whenever we engage in interpreting what the
bible says about marriage we must make sense of what we see and know. What I see and know from knowing all of you
is that while divorce may not be a part of the world as God intends, like death
itself divorce is not a barrier to God’s love and grace. God does not forsake those who are divorced,
but rather offers new life. It may be
life with another or it may be life on ones own, but the offer is always given
abundantly and freely.
